October 29, 2002

In the Event of My Death

Track down my childhood friend David Helinek and have him show you where the fort was. If David doesn’t remember, say it was the fort that the park guard had his horse pull down with a rope. This is where I want my ashes to go.

Sell my things and use the money to pay for the cremation. If anything remains, give it to my mom.

Remind everyone how much I loved them. Exaggerate if necessary, but make it believable.

There’s a collection of pornography on my hard drive in a folder called “reference.” Delete it.

My web projects are in folder called “web.” Make a copy and save it for when former clients need master files.

If you have a memorial, everyone who speaks must mention at least one thing they couldn’t stand about me. Make this clear up front: no one speaks without including at least one major negative. And it can’t be a bullshit negative like, He was too fucking funny. I’m not kidding about this. It’s my last request.