November 13, 2004


There was once a gumdrop who worked as a sales rep in the candy industry. His favorite thing to say was, “Oh, sure, anything for you.” Whenever someone asked him to do something he’d say, “Oh, sure, anything for you.” Another thing he liked to say was, “Ask me if I care.” He would say this in response to nearly anything anyone said to him, even compliments or offers of assistance.

The reason he worked in the candy industry instead of simply being a piece of candy was because he didn’t have any sugar granules along one side of his body. He was bald there. What happened was, a little piece of something got into the machine while he was being manufactured. This little piece of something blocked the sugar granules from sticking to him along that side. For this reason he was removed from the conveyer belt and kept separate from the other gumdrops.

He never discussed this with anyone. Whenever someone asked him about it, he’d say, “Ask me if I care.”

As a sales rep he was required to fly to lots of candy industry conferences around the country. He hated everything about flying, but most of all he hated the giant seats he had to sit in, which were about a hundred times too big.

Whenever an airline host or hostess asked if he was okay, he’d say something like, “You wish,” or, “As if,” or sometimes, “Tell me you’re kidding.”

He spent most of his time at candy conferences looking for other candy to have sex with. Despite his disagreeable personality, he was remarkably successful, although such liaisons rarely lasted beyond a single night. Often he would wake in the morning, badly hung-over, with no clue what he had done with the jelly ring or set of wax lips asleep beside him.

Sometimes when he was having sex he would remember what it was like to be separated from the other gumdrops. While it was happening he didn’t realize what it was. The way he experienced it, something lifted him from above and suddenly he was flying through the air. He had never flown before and couldn’t believe how wonderful it felt. It was as though he could taste the air with his whole body.

Another thing he liked to say was, “Yeah, and I’m the pope.” He would say this whenever other sales reps introduced themselves to him at conferences.

“Hi, I’m so-and-so,” they’d say.

“Yeah and I’m the pope,” he’d reply. “Let’s have sex.”

It amazed him how often this worked.