January 26, 2005

Friction

The document is eleven pages long and is called Customer Sensitivity Issues in Content. It shows what’s okay and not okay to include in the company’s publications. The company is a major publisher of children’s literature.

These things (among many others) are not okay anywhere ever:

  • casual, social drinking by adults
  • birth control / cloning / reproductive issues
  • ghosts, witches, warlocks
  • topics considered embarrassing such as menstruation, flatulence
  • “embarrassing” words such as breast, toilet, brassiere, jackass
  • people discussing sex or sexual feelings; human sexual acts
  • blatant disrespect of parents or authority figures
  • kids vomiting
  • suicide

I’m in a bar having a drink with a sexy ghost. We’re discussing reproductive issues. I ask if ghosts need to use birth control, and she says they don’t.

She has nice breasts.

I ask if ghosts still have periods. She says no and adds that ghosts can’t have sex with living people because ghosts’ bodies are immaterial. If a human tried to fuck her, he’d fall through.

I ask about phone sex, and she laughs. She has a great laugh.

Just then the president walks by. He’s holding a vomiting child and looks like he’s about to shoot himself. His t-shirt says, JACKASS.

“Only by speaker phone,” says the ghost.

“Pardon?”

“Ghosts can only have phone sex by speaker phone. It’s the immaterial problem.”