June 9, 2003

Ducklings

Someone is writing to me via the search function on Oblivio. Each week I receive a report that lists the ten most popular searches on the site, and in recent weeks someone has been conducting the same searches over and over, so that they appear at the top of the report. Last week there were eight searches for “u r an unabashed prick” and five for “fuck you asshole.” I’m not totally sure that “fuck you asshole” was bogus given that the most popular all-time search is “fuck my wife” (!), but there’s no question that “u r an unabashed prick” was directed at me.

Last week there were 14 searches for “but you are a jerk.” However this is nothing compared to the week of May 10, when the top seven searches were:

  • 18 for “and that means you mike boorish”
  • 16 for “how do you live with yourself you stupid fuck”
  • 15 for “murder any ducklings lately j o”
  • 14 for “total fucking prick”
  • 13 for “complete and utter asshole”
  • 13 for “u r a complete and utter asshole mike”
  • 12 for “u r a total jerk fuck mike”

Being a complete and utter asshole, I considered writing a piece in which this exact thing happens, except that the searches add up to a love letter. That’ll fix his wagon, I thought. But then after a minute I decided that I didn’t really want to fix anyone’s wagon. If anything I feel grateful to this person for transforming my weekly search report into something I look forward to reading. Perhaps it’s the unabashed prick in me, but I enjoy imagining this person at his computer (I believe he’s a he) doing the same inane searches over and over, with what I imagine to be demented glee.

Naturally I realize that I invite more of the same, from him and others, by writing about this. Still, call me a total jerk fuck, but I could care less. Anyone who does 18 searches for “and that means you mike boorish” deserves a few paragraphs of public acknowledgement.