April 17, 2002


I peed on myself this morning. It’s not the first time I’ve done this. The way it happens is… there’s this tiny fold on the – fuck, now I have to check – right side of the opening. (I was going to add “from my perspective” but then realized that we always describe a person’s parts from his or her perspective. Inanimate objects work the other way. When we speak of a chair, we refer to the armrest on our left as the left armrest. However, if the chair is animate (as in, say, a cartoon), that same armrest is the right armrest. The distinction seems to hinge on consciousness. If a thing has, had, or commonly develops consciousness (say, a human embryo), or if it represents such a thing (a human doll), we describe its parts from its own perspective, even if no such perspective currently exists (as with a human corpse) or ever could exist (as with a statue of a human corpse).) The fold seals the hole, preventing leaks. It’s a clever bit of engineering. There’s one downside, though, in that sometimes the fold gets stuck shut by a drop of dried semen and the pee has to break through the seal. Thankfully this doesn’t require much force. However, in that split-second of breaking through, the pee sometimes deflects off the half-open fold, resulting in the kind of thing that happened to me this morning.

I assume this happens to most men at one time or another but is simply never discussed, for obvious reasons.