September 28, 2004

Blank

I’ve been trying to think of a word. It’s a word like mutilate. It means to permanently alter something, in a negative sense. It’s what I’ve done to my fingernails. I’ve blanked them. Blank is the word. I was explaining this to someone and couldn’t think of the word. Finally I had to stop trying because I obviously wasn’t getting anywhere.

Oddly enough, I like trying. I like the tension of it. Or really I like it when the word appears, seemingly from nowhere.

The word is inside me. It’s there, buried, and I have to find it. I use different methods. My favorite is to go into a kind of trance state. I just tried it. It’s like looking without looking. My eyes are open but I’m not focusing on anything. It’s as though I’m floating, or that I’m lying still while everything around me floats.

Now I’m in a subway car, in a tunnel, as another train pulls up alongside. It seems, looking at the other car, that only the faster train is moving. Also the other train doesn’t appear to be a train as much as a series of connected boxes filled with light. People sit in the boxes, oblivious. Everyone is hurtling forward in a kind of still silence.

I just remembered the word. It’s disfigure.