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Gumdrop | Nov 13 2004

There was once a gumdrop who worked as a sales rep in the candy industry. His favorite thing to say was, “Oh, sure, anything for you.” Whenever someone asked him to do something, no matter what it was, he’d say, “Oh, sure, anything for you.” Another thing he liked to say was, “Ask me if I care.” He would say this in response to nearly anything anyone said to him, even compliments or offers of assistance.

The reason he worked in the candy industry instead of simply being candy was because he didn’t have any sugar granules along one side of his body. He was bald there. What happened was, a little piece of something, probably wax paper, got into the machine while he was being manufactured. This little piece of something blocked the sugar granules from sticking to him along one side. For this reason he was removed from the conveyer belt and kept separate from the other gumdrops.

He never discussed this experience with anyone. Whenever someone asked him about it, he would either the ignore the question or say something like, “Oh, sure, anything for you.”

His job as a sales rep required him to fly to lots of candy industry conferences. He hated everything about flying, but most of all he hated the giant seats he had to sit in, which were about a hundred times too big.

Whenever an airline host or hostess asked if he was okay, he’d say something like, “You wish,” or, “As if,” or sometimes, “Tell me you’re kidding.”

He spent most of his time at candy conferences looking for other candy to have sex with. Despite his unpleasant personality, he was remarkably successful at this, although these liaisons rarely lasted beyond a single night. Often he would wake in the morning, badly hung-over, unable to remember what he had done during the night with the jelly ring or set of wax lips asleep beside him.

Sometimes when he was having sex, he would remember the day he was separated from the other gumdrops. While it was happening, he didn’t understand what was happening or why. The way he experienced it, something lifted him from above and suddenly he was flying through the air. He had never flown before and couldn’t believe how marvelous it felt. It was as though he could taste the air with his whole body, so sweet and effervescent.

Another thing he liked to say was, “Yeah, and I’m the pope.” He would say this whenever other sales reps introduced themselves to him at conferences. “Hi, I’m so-and-so,” they’d say. “I work for such-and-such company.”

“Yeah, and I’m the pope,” he’d reply. “Let’s have sex.”

It amazed him how often this worked.