Skip to primary content

Salutation | Sep 05 2004

George Clooney wrote to me recently to ask who he
should fall in love with. I don’t know why so
many famous people write to me all the time to
ask who they should fall in love with. It’s not

like I know any better than anyone else. I can’t
remember who I suggested this time to George Clooney. No,
wait, I do remember. It was Jessica Lange. I suggested
Jessica Lange because I had just told Jessica Lange’s husband,

Sam Shepard, to fall in love with Talia Balsam, who
as you may know was once married to George Clooney
(at my suggestion, by the way). My thinking was that
Jessica Lange might fall for George Clooney as a roundabout

way to get back at Talia Balsam, who just stole
her husband from her. Lots of famous people, particularly actors,
get turned on by revenge-based relationships, I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because actors tend to be so incredibly dramatic.

I hate to generalize, but in my experience this is
true. Anyway, I didn’t yet know how you feel about
George Clooney or else I would have told George Clooney
to fall in love with you instead of Jessica Lange.

It would have worked, too, because famous people always trust
me whenever I tell them who to fall in love
with. Sadly, George Clooney wrote to me just a few
days before I found out how you feel about him,

so this was bad timing. By now I’m sure he’s
with Jessica Lange and it’s too late. Of course I
could write to George Clooney and suggest someone different, namely
you, but I’ve never done that. Instead I’ve always waited

to be asked. Otherwise it would seem like I was
meddling. I’m sure you agree with this philosophy, despite how
painful it must be in this case. Please trust that
I will remember you should things not work out between

George Clooney and Jessica Lange. Probably they won’t, in the
end, but of course that may take many years, so
if I were you, I wouldn’t wait around for a
telephone call from George Clooney, who may be gorgeous

and all but is not such a hot actor, in
my opinion. p.s. I decided to write to George Clooney
just to ask how things were going with Jessica Lange.
I figured, who knows, maybe he thought she was too

old or something. If so, I could mention your name,
as though in passing, and see if he says anything.
I’m sorry to report he’s in love with Jessica Lange.
For two paragraphs he went on about how they’re supposedly

taking things slow, which as you know is what everyone
says when they’re in love and not taking things slow.
Anyway, this is totally besides the point, but George Clooney
didn’t ask a single question about me. I hate that.

Just three days ago, I pointed him in the direction
of the so-called woman of his dreams (his phrase) and
now he can’t bother to ask me how I’m doing.
A lot of famous people are like this. I think

it’s because they come to believe that the world revolves
around them. After all, that’s their experience. They have assistants
who run hither and yon, making sure there’s toilet paper
in every restroom they may possibly decide to shit in.

That fucks their heads up. There are exceptions of course.
Charlize Theron, for example, is a sweetheart. She sent me
a bouquet of flowers right after her first date with
Stuart Townsend. Okay, maybe one of her assistants sent them,

but still Charlize always takes the time to ask how
my work is going before getting down to the business
of who she should fall in love with. Of course Charlize
Theron probably doesn’t know what kind of work I do,

nor care, but still she has the decency to ask.
Most of them don’t. Keanu Reeves has never addressed me
by name in his emails. He starts right in with
the question. I realize this is a convention in emails,

to skip the salutation, but I still think you should
address the person by name at least one time first.
To spite Keanu Reeves, I suggested he fall in love
with his own mother. Well, no, I didn’t. I wouldn’t

do that. But holy fuck did I ever want to.