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Everything I Remember About The Planet Of The Apes, The Original Version Starring Charlton Heston | Jun 18 2003

Film starts on the space ship. Charlton Heston records his final log before giving himself an injection that will put him into suspended animation. We see the other astronauts, already out for the count, in their sealed sleep bubbles. The camera lingers on the woman astronaut, who even at nine, or however old I am, I recognize as hot.

Next, crash landing on the planet. When do they wake up? Is there water involved? Whatever happens, it’s bedlam. And then someone discovers that due to a bad seal in her sleep bubble, the woman astronaut has aged all the years that have passed and is now this decrepit corpse. Bummer.

The survivors (I think there are four total) walk through a canyon. High on the cliffs, shadowy figures appear, accompanied by scary music. (Warning: I may be confusing this with various westerns I saw around the same time.)

Maybe they’re attacked and maybe they get away, but at some point they encounter a band of primitive humans who are mute and wear very little clothing.

Together with these primitive humans, they get swept up in big nets by a small army of gorillas. Probably there’s fighting involved because only two astronauts survive, as we learn later. A sexy, dark-haired primitive woman ends up in the same net as Heston. (Remember this for later.)

Conveniently Heston’s throat is injured in the round-up, so he can’t speak. He is tended to by a chimp scientist played by Roddy McDowell and his chimp scientist wife. The wife dubs Heston Bright Eyes.

Charlton Heston, whatever else one might think of him, looks awfully good without a shirt.

Various scenes show us ape society, which is divided in feudal-like fashion between chimps, gorillas, and orangutans. Even at nine, I hated the obviousness of this, understanding on some level that there was a “message” in it.

Far more interesting was the way McDowell and his wife kiss. The mouths on their ape costumes are nearly inflexible, so their kisses appear exaggeratedly, almost comically, chaste.

Finally Heston’s throat heals (is there an operation?). His first words to his captors: “Get your hands off me, you stinkin’ ape!”

McDowell (who I just remembered is called Cornelius) argues with his wife about what to do with the talking human, who for unknown or perhaps forgotten reasons is a threat to ape society. The entire middle part of the film is devoted to the couple’s conflicted struggle to save him. Boring.

At some point Heston finds one of his former shipmates, now lobotomized.

Much later Heston and the chimp scientists end up in a cave where Heston is shown various secret relics, including a human doll.

Maybe the gorillas appear and there’s a battle, I don’t know, but in the end Heston is given a gun, a horse, and the dark-haired woman from his time in the nets.

She rides with him down a beach, and you kind of think it’s over, only it’s not quite over, there’s still one more scene awaiting them at the end of the beach.

Meanwhile the dark-haired woman, who after all these years I still remember so vividly, wears an unbelievably sexy one-piece outfit that appears to be sewn from rags.