Skip to primary content

Backhand | Dec 17 2002

I arrive at the central branch of the Brooklyn Public Library with a list of five books to take out.

The first, After Midnight by Irmgard Keun, is not in the catalog.

The second, Artificial-Silk Girl, also by Irmgard Keun, is listed in the catalog as on the shelf in Fiction. I look in Fiction, but it’s not there. I ask the librarian if it might be elsewhere. She looks on her computer. It’s in New Arrivals. I look in New Arrivals. It’s not there.

The third, James Dickey’s Deliverance, is listed, like Artificial-Silk Girl, as on the shelf in Fiction. However, like Artificial-Silk Girl, it’s not actually on the shelf in Fiction. I ask the librarian (the same librarian) if it might be elsewhere. No, it should be on the shelf in Fiction. I ask if books are often not on the shelf when they should be. Yes, she says. She has a nice smile.

The fourth, De Profundis, Oscar Wilde’s prison-written, book-length letter to Lord Alfred Douglas, yields the same result as Deliverance: on the shelf in Fiction, yet not on the shelf in Fiction. I mention to the smiling librarian having noticed in the catalog that other branches have copies of this book. Can a copy be transferred from one of those branches? Yes, it can, but it costs fifty cents. One fills out a postcard, she explains, which gets mailed to one when the book arrives. Said cards are obtained from the something librarian up front. I go to the something librarian up front, who explains that as of December 11, the library no longer provides this service. I tell her, nicely, that her library totally sucks. The way I say it is, No offense meant, but this library totally sucks. I know, she says. She has cool glasses.

The final book, Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell, is, like its brethren, not where it should be, which is on the shelf in Fiction. I ask the first librarian if it might be elsewhere. She looks on her computer. Yes, there’s a copy stored in the basement. How do I get this copy? I fill out a slip and give it to the something librarian up front. Ah, the something librarian up front! I fill out a slip and give it to the something librarian up front, who suggests I return in fifteen minutes. To pass the time I read an article in Tennis Magazine about the Best Strokes of All-Time. Andre Agassi’s backhand is not mentioned anywhere under Backhands, which I find absurd. In fairness to Tennis Magazine, they do rate his return of serve the All-Time Best, although in another sense this fact is damning. Doesn’t a return of serve consist of fifty percent backhands? How can someone have the greatest return of serve of all-time, yet not deserve at least Honorable Mention under Backhands? I am fuming, although it’s a kidding kind of fuming. I return to the something librarian. Down and Out in Paris and London is not in the basement.