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Ships | Feb 25 2002

Battleship

A personal ad, according to one approach, is like a resume. The object is to say enough to get an interview, or this case, a date. Thus one must accentuate the positive and downplay, or ideally skip over, the negative.

One problem here is that you end up sounding exactly like everyone else, which will likely attract no one, or no one interesting. And it goes deeper. For anyone with any sense knows that people, however marvelous, are always fucked up in some sense. So the initial date—and all subsequent dates, if they happen—come to resemble that game Battleship, where two players take turns trying to sink each other’s hidden ships.

Actually, I disagree with myself. We don’t try to sink those ships; we try to avoid them. And then when we can no longer avoid them, we try to pretend they aren’t what they seem to be. Or this describes a certain stage. Later, often enough, it’s bombs away.

A friend, inspired by Rachel’s recent cover letter, has taken a different tack. Frankness. Just lay it out there. Here are my ships. You better not have these ships.

I find it beautiful. As is she, by the way. Beautiful, smart, and funny. And if you’re a single male living in New York, you can email her. Only I’d read her ad first. Yes, definitely read her ad.

Disillusioned female prone to mild depression and sugar binges seeks stable male 30-40 for long-term, committed relationship. ME: Expressive, healthy and boundary-less. I love to bake and practice Aikido. I have insomnia and rarely sleep the whole night through. I have a full life and probably don’t have time to go out with you anytime soon. Plus after talking to you on the phone, I probably won’t want to meet you in person anyway. YOU: Tolerant, sensitive, introspective. You are tall, muscular and sexy. You earn enough money to support me so I can quit my dumb job. You have straight teeth. You are good in bed and don’t fall asleep the second after you come. You won’t get jealous when I flirt with all the cuties in Aikido. Spanish speaking a plus. You are not: a liar, a loser, a nerd, a neb, a Nice Jewish Boy, a social worker, a stutterer, a drug user, or still having strong feelings for your ex-girlfriend. If you’re interested in talking, call me between 9 and 10 pm Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. That’s my only free time.