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Manifesto | Feb 22 2002

I want all the shows on television to be about me and my life. All of them. On all the channels, including cable and pay-per-view.

I want Dan Rather to come on and say that Michael Barrish posted something new on his website today and that it was about a break-up with a woman. Something that happened in the past, evidently. It’s unclear which ex-girlfriend it might be about, but now with more on this late-breaking story, let’s go to John Roberts in Williamsburg.

I want all the cooking shows to be about the food that Rachel makes and also the two dishes that I like at China Star: Broccoli with Fried Tofu, and Rice Noodles with Vegetables.

I want dozens of sit-coms involving me and my wacky bathroom-mate Michelle.

I want late-night infomercials plugging the Michael Barrish workout.

I want talk shows that feature kids who’ve dropped out of high school because Michael Barrish dropped out of high school and who are now writing bad poetry because that’s what Michael Barrish did after dropping out of high school.

On Sundays, I want pundits to debate whether I should buy an extra battery for my digital camera.

I want MTV and all the music channels to be replaced by a single show that features Kevin Fanning of whygodwhy sitting in his living room and performing covers of my favorite songs and making mistakes and not caring.

I want commercials banned, with the exception of an occasional posting of my To Do list.

I want Sci-Fi shows set in my own personal future.

I want hard-hitting investigative reports about my mouse problem.

I want all of America to be transfixed by a night-time drama about a web developer who sits in his shoebox apartment in Williamsburg trying to figure out why a certain layout is breaking in Netscape.

I want Good Morning America changed to Good Morning Michael, and I want the Today Show to be about my day and no one else’s.

I want to go from channel to channel to channel and have it all be about me, Michael Barrish, all of it.

But I don’t ever want to watch it. No. I just want it to happen and for no one to notice that it has happened, except that people suddenly lose interest in television and take up other leisure-time activities, like, say, reading the novels of Thomas Bernhard—particularly The Loser but also his final work Extinction, and perhaps some of the middle to late novels such as Old Masters and Correction and The Lime Works, but most importantly The Loser and Extinction.

Oh, and also The Woodcutters; I want them to read The Woodcutters.