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How Christmas Was Invented | Dec 25 2001

For your holiday pleasure, I present How Christmas Was Invented, a play I wrote in about three minutes as Rachel’s nieces stomped on rice cakes, claiming that the resulting crumbs could serve as snow.

The Cast in Order of Appearance
NARRATOR: Me, age forty-one.
CEO: Hannah, age nearly three.
CONSULTANT: Sydney, age five.
REINDEER: Samantha, age five.

The offices of Toys ‘R’ Us. A long time ago.

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, before Christmas was invented, there lived a CEO who was very sad.

CEO appears and makes sad face.

NARRATOR: Why was she sad? She was sad because she was the CEO of Toys ‘R’ Us and had overstocked for Hanukah. So now she was stuck with tens of thousands of toys that no one wanted, which was causing delays up and down the production chain.

CEO makes sad face.

NARRATOR: But then she thought of something great. She would hire a consultant to figure out what to do with the extra toys. This made her happy.

CEO makes happy face. CONSULTANT appears.

NARRATOR: The consultant studied the problem and had lunch with all the key players and then created a Powerpoint presentation in which she outlined the “Santa Claus” concept.

CONSULTANT: “Santa Claus” will give the toys to all the children in the world. He will wear a red suit.

CEO jumps up and down.

NARRATOR: It was a great idea, for it would garner free publicity for Toys ‘R’ Us and give the company significant brand penetration in overseas markets. However, there was just one problem: how to distribute the toys to all the children in the world.

CEO stops jumping.

CONSULTANT: I know what to do. Let’s use “flying reindeer!”

REINDEER appears.

REINDEER: Ney.

NARRATOR: The “flying reindeer” concept made the CEO so happy that she decided to give Christmas bonuses to all the key players, herself most of all. And that is how Christmas was invented.

CEO makes happy face. Everyone jumps up and down.