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Etch-a-Sketch | Nov 29 2001

Inspired by Catherina, I’ve been reading my journal from 1992, which is when I began writing it on the computer. I don’t know what to make of this guy, the journal-keeper. He seems like me in certain ways, but he’s much softer, I think, a softer version of me. I mean soft in the positive sense. Sometimes he talks crap, yes, but no more often, certainly, than I do.

Some selections:

11.8.92
Laura found this in a book about baseball card collecting: “Remember, baseball cards have no intrinsic value; they’re only worth what people will pay for them.” So what has intrinsic value?

11.10.92
Camus does not say that we must imagine Sisyphus free but rather that we must imagine him happy. Though, again, he does not say that Sisyphus is happy but rather that we must imagine him so. What seems to be implied is that life is unbearable if one has no faith in the possibility of happiness.

11.21.92
There’s a boy, a young boy I first noticed a few days ago, in back of the house next door, playing at the edge of a swimming pool. He’s walking along the edge of the pool with a stick, splashing the water. I stopped writing for a moment to watch him. He seems intensely interested in the effects of his splashes.

11.26.92
The moment J answered her door, I knew she’d never be the woman I want. It was a sad, almost tragic moment. After she took my coat, I put my bag down in a corner and, facing the wall, allowed myself a private little moment of pain for us.

12.9.92
After nearly four years, I now have a regular place to sit at Quaker meetings. It’s by the window towards the back, on the east side of the building.

Why this spot? There are five reasons:

  1. The sun: In the first half of the meeting these days, sunlight streams in at an angle through the window, shining directly in my face if I lean against the wall. Though the room is comfortable (there’s often a fire going in the fireplace), I enjoy the sun.

  2. The window: In the beginning of each meeting, I often watch people walk up to the building. Later I watch the birds on the lawn or the wind blowing in the bushes.

  3. The window ledge: Having the ledge there gives me more positions to sit in. Sometimes I put one arm across the ledge and another across the back of the bench. But then this sometimes feels a little too relaxed (or a little too Christ-like) for a Quaker meeting.

  4. Freedom: I used to have to decide where to sit each time. This was a bother and made me self-conscious. Now that I know where to sit, I don’t have to think about such things.

  5. Sight lines: From here I can see almost the entire room, including the balcony. This becomes particularly important if there’s an interesting woman in the room.

12.19.92
An idea for a character in a film, perhaps in passing: a man who has taken a vow a silence and only expresses himself using an Etch-A-Sketch hung from his neck.

12.20.92
I’ve been thinking about the break-up. What a change this has been. I surprise myself by having a lot of anger at her. A lot of anger. Then, at times, I can see how this too shall pass. Although the loss, the loss is permanent.

No, even the loss shall pass.