Wheels

October 30, 2002

Wheels

  • him: just tried something dumb
  • him: tried to do this w/ my eyes closed
  • her: and?
  • him: wanted to think that way
  • him: it makes me feel closer
  • him: to you
  • him: in my thoughts
  • her: but?
  • him: but of course I couldn’t see what you were saying
  • her: lol
  • him: dumb
  • her: the only thing that will calm me now
  • her: is to touch you
  • him: yes
  • him: I mean
  • him: I feel that too
  • him: that way
  • him: can I tell you a story?
  • her: yes
  • him: I have these friends at MIT
  • him: genius types
  • him: whatever
  • him: but really really smart
  • him: one guy does quantum computers
  • him: right now these computers can only add 1 + 1
  • him: it’s funny
  • him: he has a giant magnet
  • him: that costs $50,000
  • him: it’s by his desk
  • him: anyway this isn’t the story
  • her:
  • him: right
  • him: the story is
  • him: about a different friend
  • him: he showed me around the media lab
  • him: ever hear of it?
  • her: i’ve been there
  • him: cool. when?
  • her: i was the actress
  • her: for a project
  • her: but the guy made a pass
  • her: so i quit before it was done
  • him: gross
  • him: whatever could have motivated him?
  • her: yeah yeah
  • her: did you see the birds?
  • her: at the media lab?
  • him: no. tell.
  • her: the film of the birds?
  • him: no. tell.
  • her: projected on either side of a hallway
  • her: and when you walked through the hallway,
  • her: the birds, pigeons
  • her: would fly away suddenly
  • her: like you had disturbed them
  • him: ah, brilliant
  • her: it was
  • him: this other thing was too
  • him: they had a prototype of it
  • him: you put your hand over these tiny wheels
  • him: and another person puts their hand over another set of tiny wheels
  • him: the two sets could be anywhere in the world
  • him: and when you move your hand
  • him: the other person can feel it
  • him: it was kinda like touching hands
  • her: can we buy one
  • her: ?
  • her: now
  • her: ?
  • him: we’re doing the wheels in our heads
  • her: no. not good enough.
  • her: i want the wheels.
  • him: what about the wheels in our hearts?
  • her: i want the hand wheels.
  • him: fine I’ll call him tomorrow
  • her: you do that
  • her: you realize they could make a whole person like that?
  • her: made of little wheels
  • her: two people, actually
  • him: not people. machines.
  • her: machines
  • her: i imagine lying on this person
  • her: i mean machine
  • her: shaped like you
  • her: while you do the same
  • her: under, over, whatever
  • her: a machine shaped like me
  • her: etc.
  • him: etc?
  • her: the doing of things
  • her: the making and breaking
  • him: it was my first thought
  • her: of the world
  • him: sounds bumpy tho
  • her: true
  • her: anyway i have a better idea
  • her: it’s for when you go to sleep
  • her: it’s something i want you to do
  • her: will you do it?
  • him: sigh
  • him: yes
  • her: on your back
  • her: with both hands
  • her: touch your
  • him: sigh
  • her: eyelids
  • her: lips
  • her: and then the place on your neck by your earlobes
  • her: gently
  • her: that is where i will kiss you
  • him: smiling out loud
  • him: sol
  • her: will you do that?
  • him: yes, I will
  • him: for you
  • him: yes
  • her: don’t just say you will
  • him: I so fucking will
  • her: i will do it too
  • him: ah
  • him: I love that
  • him: which ear?
  • him: both?
  • her: both hands
  • her: both sides
  • her: both eyes
  • him: but how are you going to handle this?
  • her: ?
  • him: when it comes to kissing
  • him: actual kissing
  • him: gotta be one then the other
  • her: one eye
  • her: the other eye
  • her: and so on
  • him: back and forth, like reading?
  • her: yes
  • her: with your eyes closed
  • him: yes
  • her: like you tried to do
  • him: yes
  • her: before
October 29, 2002

In the Event of My Death

Track down my childhood friend David Helinek and have him show you where the fort was. If David doesn’t remember, say it was the fort that the park guard had his horse pull down with a rope. This is where I want my ashes to go.

Sell my things and use the money to pay for the cremation. If anything remains, give it to my mom.

Remind everyone how much I loved them. Exaggerate if necessary, but make it believable.

There’s a collection of pornography on my hard drive in a folder called “reference.” Delete it.

My web projects are in folder called “web.” Make a copy and save it for when former clients need master files.

If you have a memorial, everyone who speaks must mention at least one thing they couldn’t stand about me. Make this clear up front: no one speaks without including at least one major negative. And it can’t be a bullshit negative like, He was too fucking funny. I’m not kidding about this. It’s my last request.

October 27, 2002

Change

My former therapist once told me a story about one of her clients, a man couldn’t throw anything away. It was a story, she said, about the nature of change.

Her client’s apartment was packed floor to ceiling with junk, the only uncovered space being a narrow path that wove between the piles. One day she asked him to bring in some things he was sure he could get rid of, and the next session he showed up with a shoebox full of ridiculous objects: orphaned pens caps, defunct subway passes, ancient ticket stubs. She had him arrange the objects in three piles: definite discards, probable discards, and possible discards. They discussed why different things were in different piles, and in the process the man moved some objects from one pile to another. Once he felt sure that each thing was in the right pile, she had him toss the “definite” pile in the trash. It was a cathartic experience, and he wept.

This is progress, thought the therapist.

Then, as the man was leaving, he turned to her and said, flatly, “Do you mind if I take that stuff out of the trash now?”

October 17, 2002

Quote

If I were someone else and came and told myself my problems, my response would be something like, “This is who you are, get used to it.” I would be tough with myself because that’s how I am with people I care about.

For example, I recently I told a good friend that she should stop trying to be a different person so that some guy will fall in love with her. At best the guy will fall in love with who she’s pretending to be, which can only mean trouble once he realizes he loves a performance.

I also told Will to stop claiming he wants a serious relationship when what he really wants is pussy, preferably youngish pussy, let us say in its late-twenties and belonging to a woman of a certain look, why lie about it?

The best way to escape a problem is to solve it. This is a quote from a famous thinker. I often use quotes when talking with my friends about their problems. Sometimes I make up the quotes and attribute them to the sort of writers my friends respect but have never read; say, Pascal or Voltaire.

The main thing is that I wouldn’t let myself off the hook. No pretending to want to change or be capable of change when I have no intention of changing, now or ever. We don’t change, wrote Goethe, we just change our delusions.

October 6, 2002

Poem

A piece I wrote, Bookmark, is making the rounds of sex sites. A lot of people read sex sites. As a result, my hits have doubled and a bunch of weird shit is showing up in my site statistics. For example, here are the fifteen most popular Oblivio search strings since October 1. I consider it a poem.

  • fuck my wife
  • fuck stories
  • fuck her
  • fuck wife
  • fuck woman
  • wife fuck
  • wife fuck stories
  • ex wife pics
  • first fuck
  • fuck my wife story
  • fuck story
  • fuck the world
  • fuck fuck
  • business card design